starshowers: (the universe deserves a lineface)
Rox ([personal profile] starshowers) wrote2012-02-09 02:20 am

(no subject)

It's after two in the morning and I should be asleep...except I can't sleep because I keep making myself upset. So I'm going to write.

I have a problem.

I'm really not happy with myself. I haven't been for a long time, and the sheer weight of the fact that I'm never going to be has been getting worse and worse over the past few months. The source of the problem is never going to go away, as much as I want it to, and I hate that. There's nothing I can do except ignore it or deny it, and that's becoming more and more impossible as time passes.

I have this...horrible, overdone image of myself that I feel like I have to live up to if I'm going to be considered a worthwhile human being. 'Good' isn't good enough. I have to be amazing at something. I have to wow everyone I meet.

And I don't do that, because I'm not capable of it. I'm not amazing at anything.

I'm not the best, I will never be the best, and I can't accept that about myself. If there's a reason that I'm here...then it's not a good enough reason.

I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I'm a burden on the people who know and help me. On my friends.

I feel like I'm one of those people who everyone wants to be friendly to just because it's wrong to let someone be forgotten completely. I'm not that one person that someone can consider the most important to them...and I've always been okay with that, because I'm grateful just to have friends at all. But if people give me their time, I should have more to offer in return, right?

But I don't. I really don't feel like I have much to offer the world at all. Even the stuff that I consider to be the things I'm better at than other things - reading, writing - I'm sub-par at compared to other people. I'm slow, I don't remember things, I don't notice what's around me, I don't say things that matter, I can't make people feel better...I can't write an amazing story, learn a ton of languages, solve complicated equations, make art, build things...or if I can, it's just good enough, not great, and so I'm forever telling myself you could have been better, but you weren't, so what you did doesn't matter because even if you improve you'll never catch up.

This is so dumb. Selfish. Hypocritical. I want it to go away. I want to be happy with the person that I am. I used to be - when I was a kid, I really liked myself. I thought that I would always have that confidence, and that I would never feel this way. Now I'm the exact opposite. I know what the problem is, and I can't make it go away.

I've been spending most of my time lately feeling like I should just disappear. That if I could just...suddenly stop existing, I wouldn't have to keep wrestling with myself all the time, shoving things aside, trying to be a less terrible person. I wouldn't cause problems for my friends and family anymore. If my life's not going to mean much, then it would be better if I was never here at all, right?

Except I know that's not true, and that if I was my friend I would be punching myself over and over again until I stopped thinking that, because I know people care. I know that I've made a difference, and that I still have a whole future ahead of me and anything could happen. That, no matter how hard it is for me to believe it, I'm lucky enough to have wonderful people who want me around for some reason and I really am awful for not having more faith in them, and for not staying in touch and just relaxing and believing that they want to hear from me.

I just want to snap out of this. I want to believe in myself again, the same way I believe in other people. I don't want to feel like hiding every time I talk to someone. I don't want to keep feeling too petrified to talk in class when I used to be just fine about it.

But I don't know what to try anymore. It should be as simple as just not beating myself up and telling myself that I should be better constantly, but I can't do that. No matter what, I've never been able to do that.

There has to be a way to stop feeling like such a wreck all the time. I just wish that I could find it a little bit faster. Vomiting my thoughts all over the internet isn't helping, but I don't know what else to do. At the very least, maybe I can finally get some sleep tonight. and...this definitely isn't helping that whole feeling selfish thing, pushing my thoughts onto a public forum. I'm honestly sorry, to anyone reading this.

I should just...go sleep. Yeah.