starshowers: (let us ponder the meaning of life)
Rox ([personal profile] starshowers) wrote2013-04-07 07:43 pm

(no subject)

My problem with doing blog posts is that as soon as I come up with an idea for a post, I put off doing it for days and then I forget what it was going to be about and I lose momentum and never do it. This time, though, I'm not going to do that. I think plurk probably isn't the best place to vent my thoughts on this, since I need a lot of space.

Also, I don't think this post was originally going to start off being about RP, but it was going to tie into that anyway. So I might as well cut to the chase and...well, make it all about RP and why I've been performing the way I have with it for a long while now. Maybe it's better this way; after all, I think I owe people an explanation, and I haven't been doing a very good job of giving that on plurk.

Just as a disclaimer before you guys read this: no, I'm not planning on dropping. But I am clearly in a bad place with RP right now, and even if I don't know how to fix it, talking it out may at least be a good place to start.

So I think I need to admit to myself that my problem right now isn't all of the usual suspects that I keep talking about on plurk and trying to overcome, even though they certainly play a part. I haven't been keeping up lately, and I haven't been doing things, and I realize that I need to admit to myself that it's not self-confidence (entirely, at least), it's not problems in games, it's not time.

It's motivation. For the first time that I can remember, despite all of the wonderful things I'm involved in, despite all of the people I feel like I'm hurting by feeling this way, despite how completely irrational it is, I...don't want to do things in RP.

Again, that's not entirely the truth. I still want to do things, but my motivation to put in the work to do them and push past my weaknesses to get to the things I enjoy is utterly shot. It's awful. It's awful and I don't want it to be true but it is.

I think it starts with the self-confidence issues, though - feeling like I can't keep up, feeling like a bad castmate, feeling like a bad player because I can't keep up with out of cast CR (doing those 10 things to 10 people memes? I want to, but then I realize that my characters don't even have CR with 10 people...and the ones they do have CR with are all castmates. because I can't keep up. which is really really REALLY bad when your main muse is Sora who should be friends with everyone and involved with everything and you can't make that happen and you know your games and castmates deserve better but you can't bring yourself to leave anyway), and just...generally feeling inadequate. And, over the past half a year or so, RL awful emotional cycles have made those feelings worse.

But then, after a short while, I do regain my confidence! I remember why I want to to things! And that's great.

The thing is that, as soon as I overcome one bout of self-confidence issues, as soon as I feel that energy coming back, I'm instantly reminded of everything I haven't kept up with, everything I've fallen behind on, everything that my characters aren't a part of but should be because I'm too awful at this too keep up. There's no escaping all the times I've messed up, because everything happens in a single continuity. So I feel it all come crashing down on me again, and my resolve vanishes. Nothing gets solved.

So it goes, on and on, until I've ended up where I am now.

The things that I want to do most are the things that don't remind me of where I've been messing up for months - memes, PSLs, starting off in new games, ect. But I can't bring myself to keep up with those, either, because I feel guilty for doing those instead of the game stuff that I should be doing, so nothing ends up getting solved.

I don't know what to do anymore. I think I'm just mad at myself because I...for the last couple of years, I thought I had turned over a new leaf. That I was RPing better, writing faster, getting more involved, and that everything would be uphill from here on out. But then that didn't happen - I didn't improve enough to keep up with all the people who are counting on me. When that happens, I respond by retreating into my shell and not doing anything, which makes things worse and lets more people down, and then I feel even worse for that and hide even more and it gets to the point where I wish all of my friends would get upset and leave me or tell me to get out of their games and whatever because I feel like I deserve it. I would never even be mad, if that happened, because I'm so sure that I've earned it.

And I'm thinking about it even more, and...

I've seen other people wander into this mindset before, this slow curve into apathy and lack of motivation. I promised myself that if this ever happened to me, I wouldn't try to push through it because it's not fair to other people. I guess I have a strange perspective on things - I can't have fun if other people aren't having fun. I can't be happy if other people aren't happy. If any of my actions make life harder for people, even just a little bit, I'm a failure. This is who I am, and this is how I look at the world. I can't change that. The times when I have tried to change it, I end up feeling so horrible about who I am that I can't stand it, so it's better this way. But maintaining this mindset means, in a sense, constantly feeling like a failure, and so it has a negative impact on RP. This has been especially true in the last few months.

Sometimes I feel like I should wipe the slate clean, only do memes and PSLs for a few months, then start fresh. But I won't do that. I don't want to do that right now. I like my games, I like where I am the moment. But the current situation is only going to get worse if I don't do something, but.

What if I'm too late for doing something to matter?

I doubt anyone will comment on this, but if you don't, please don't tell me that I'm just taking RP too seriously, because that's not it. I know that this is just pretendyfuntimes, that it's for relaxation, so on and so forth. But to me, this is worth talking about, because the problems I have in RP are reflections of problems I have in other areas of my life. They say something about me. I've improved not just my RP life by overcoming problems related to it before, but I've also become a stronger person. That's why it's so important for me to talk about this now.

But what it essentially boils down to is...I'm sorry, for letting all of you down. For staying this way for so long. I want to fix it, I do, I just don't know how. But I want to figure it out, for myself and for you guys. I don't want to keep stringing people along. I don't want to keep breaking promises. I care about all of you too much for this to continue. Except I know that a lot of you have probably lost faith in my ability to do that, and I deserve that. I'm not sure if I would have faith in me, either, looking in from the outside. But know that, no matter what, I am the source of all of my issues, all of my late responses and dropped threads; it's me, not you. Believe me, it's not you.

But that's all I can think to say on the subject for now. Maybe later I'll add to this rant, reorganize it or make it more coherent or something. I don't know. I'm sorry, this doesn't make any sense at all, does it?

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