starshowers: (blinding light)
Rox ([personal profile] starshowers) wrote2014-05-17 01:49 pm

(no subject)

I've come to the realization that I'm thinking seriously about quitting RP for awhile.

I guess the main part of the problem is that RP doesn't make me feel hopeful or happy anymore, not really. For me, RP has just been one failure after another after another, and I've started giving up on the idea that I'm going to ever get any better. I still have fun and I still have made good friends and I still appreciate everything everyone has done for me, much has happened, and so many things keep happening, and I've realized that I'm kind of at my breaking point where I can't handle the stressful parts anyone. I can't handle the endless list of broken friendships and drama and worries and everything going on around me constantly, even though I used to be able to manage everything just fine.

I feel so disconnected, and all my attempts to fix that keep ending in failure. I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of being a burden. I'm tired of letting everyone down, all the time. I'm just...tired.

I think about a year ago is when I said that, after Animus, I would be taking six months off of RP entirely. However, when the situation in Rekindle that led to me becoming a mod happened, that changed. I thought that maybe I could just stick to that one game instead, that maybe I could handle it. And there have been times when I thought that I was perfectly content there, that I could do it and not have any trouble and that I never needed the time off at all, just some refocusing and a change of pace. But then those moments pass, I neglect my tags for weeks at a time, I don't keep up with modwork, and I just...I know that I shouldn't be doing any of this. That pretending that I can keep going isn't fair to anyone around me.

It's not easy for me to just drop. I view joining a game as a long-term commitment...and modding as a permanent one. I can't just walk away at the drop of a hat. When I agreed to be a mod, I took on a responsibility, and the fact is that I have taken on even more responsibility since then, having control of an NPC and keeping track of significant aspects of the long-term plot. But with the way I am it really fair for me to be modding a game? What are the consequences if I stay, or leave?

I guess...I've been going at this for about six years now without stopping, ever. Without improving from my pathetic three or so tags a week. Part of me thinks that maybe, at this point, I need to take the time off. I need a chance to focus on other things in my life. I need to take the time to miss it. But I also feel like I'm going to regret leaving. I feel like I'm going to lose things. I worry about what, if anything, I'll have to come back to. I worry about losing common ground with the people I care about. I worry about letting everyone down, again, this time by giving up entirely. I worry about quitting a failure - quitting being an admission of that failure, admitting that I can't ever be better at anything than I am right now. I worry about keeping this up and getting more apathetic, most distant, becoming more of a negative drain on the people I care about, because I know I have been and I don't want to be that person, I don't like becoming that person.

I don't know what to do, and I don't think there's a right answer. I wish I didn't feel this way at all. I wish I was a better person.