(no subject)

[starshowers]

this story doesn't mean what I think it means.

this line doesn't mean what I think it means.

this sentence doesn't mean what I think it means.

this word doesn't mean what I think it means.

something being "up to interpretation" or a "personal reading" can only take me so far when nothing ever, ever, ever means what I think it means. when nothing makes me feel the way it makes other people feel. how can I talk if I never know what I'm saying? how can I write if I don't know what other people will be reading once it leaves my hands? sometimes I think that the entire world speaks a foreign language that sounds exactly like the one I speak, but isn't. most of the time I just think I'm dumb.

why does something that make me feel horrible make others feel hopeful? why does something that makes me happy make others feel miserable? what does it mean for something to be bad, good, ugly, pretty, funny? even the people who are supposed to be like me aren't, in this.

I'm so tired of it. I just want to understand, to speak the same language. I just want to be normal to some group, somewhere. I want to not be like this. I want to know what words mean.