Fortunes won and lost

I met a woman at the library today.
( ~ )

Maybe most of my problem is that I've never been able to hear myself think.

( -- )

bluhhh

I think I need to do an entry here, since I'm on a plurk hiatus (though no one will see it here, but that...doesn't really make much of a difference these days). Right now I'm exhausted and out of it and I can't even form what I need to talk about from the mush that is my brain.

I'm also in one of those Moods where I want to say things but I don't want to be actively in a conversation, because conversations are Fast and Difficult no matter who they are with and I am and always will be terrible at them and terrified of them.

So here I am. Whining to a text box. This is it.

...I honestly don't know what I'm even doing anymore, on so many levels.





completely unrelated, but I should refresh this journal's icons.

A long while back, I decided that once Tower of Animus ended, I would take a six month break from being in games. Of course, after I made that announcement, many things changed - I became a mod a Rekindle, I left Animus before it's ending, and I, off and on, felt a resurgence of motivation that made me reconsider and amend that decision. But I've realized that backing out of that may not have been so wise after all. For many reasons - some that I've mentioned, some that have been obvious, others that have been sitting under the surface for a long time - I've decided that I really do need to take that break after all.

It's not that I want to leave forever. I still love RP, and I still want to do things. But what I've started realizing is that maybe wanting isn't enough. I feel like I need to sort a lot of things out emotionally, a lot of issues that I've been needing to deal with since I started college, and I think that one of the best ways for me to do that right now is to step back from roleplaying for awhile. My brain has been a mess, and a lot of the negative aspects of RP have been contributing to that negative feedback cycle for a long while - since long before I was able to realize it, even back when I thought RP was helping me work through those issues - making me an unreliable and weak player. I kind of feel like, for a long time, I've been pulling away from people and trying to exist in my own little RP vacuum, while at the same time kicking myself for not knowing how to reach out to people. Somehow, in this very social activity, I've managed to become disconnected from just about everyone, which means that I am most definitely doing something very wrong. Before I start isolating myself even more, before my frustration turns into resentment (and it already has come close to that) or even hatred, I need to clear the slate and start from scratch.

I feel like I need to take some time to get other areas of my life together, and also to work from the ground up and reteach myself how to RP in general. I feel like I've forgotten all of the basics, or maybe that I never properly learned them in the first place (things like, y'know, how to do more than 3 tags a week). Not only that, but I think it's time I left so that I can remember why I love it - I need to give myself time to miss RP so that I can appreciate it again. So that I can have fun with it again. I've been in games for at least seven years without ever stopping altogether, and I've been afraid of taking a break because I feel like I haven't improved enough to earn it, but...well, maybe it's long past time for a vacation. I also need to learn how to reconnect with people, especially all of you, and maybe, in a way, that'll actually be easier to do if those connections aren't dependent on games, and if my interactions with everyone aren't weighted with the question of whether or not I've been tagging them enough, or at all. Maybe I can work on other fandom projects without feeling guilty about neglecting tags, maybe finally write some fanfic or something. But mostly, I really do need to get my life together without RP weighing on my mind...and it really has become that. It's a weight and a burden rather than a source of relaxation, and that's another reason why I know I'm doing it wrong, and why I know I need to take the time to relearn how it works and reevaluate things.

Also, I feel like my Sora isn't really up to par these days, and, well...you guys know me. If I can't do well with Sora, then I don't really want to play anyone at all. So, I've gotta work on that!

I'm scared to do this. I'm afraid of becoming even more distant from all of you, of not having anything to say on plurk, of generally being useless. But I don't think there's anything else I can do. I miss you guys, a lot, but I'm not going to stop letting you all down by continuing to brute force my way through my roleplay-related shortcomings. I'm not good at brute-forcing. I'm just not in a place right now where I can be in games, and as much as it hurts, I need to admit that and act on it. I can't let things keep going the way they have been - all of you deserve better in RP partner than me as I am now.

But - and this is the important bit, finally - apart from the explanations (excuses?), what does that mean? It means that I'm going to be dropping Sora from Rekindle, leaving me with no games. I'll also no longer be a full mod, however I will still be working with the mod team as a sort of associate, but I'm going to say nothing more on this for now because the team is still working out the details. Once my new role is finalized, there will be a more formal announcement.

Beyond that...I would like to try doing more casual RP, museboxing and the like, from time to time. There are even specific things I can think of that I want to do with specific people. However, I can't promise a timeframe for when I'll really start doing this. I'm not going to rush it - I'm going to wait until I have not only the ideas, but the urge to play, so that I can really be someone worth playing with. Eventually, I might be willing to try small, invite-only games/museboxes, if I'm invited to any and they interest me, but I'm not going to rush. And, of course, I'm going to wait six months at the absolute minimum to join any real games.

Thank you all for bearing with me for so long. I'm sorry that this is what all of your patience and help has amounted to. Maybe, one of these days, I won't be so hopeless at all of this. Thanks for reading, whoever did <33

My problem with doing blog posts is that as soon as I come up with an idea for a post, I put off doing it for days and then I forget what it was going to be about and I lose momentum and never do it. This time, though, I'm not going to do that. I think plurk probably isn't the best place to vent my thoughts on this, since I need a lot of space.

Also, I don't think this post was originally going to start off being about RP, but it was going to tie into that anyway. So I might as well cut to the chase and...well, make it all about RP and why I've been performing the way I have with it for a long while now. Maybe it's better this way; after all, I think I owe people an explanation, and I haven't been doing a very good job of giving that on plurk.

Just as a disclaimer before you guys read this: no, I'm not planning on dropping. But I am clearly in a bad place with RP right now, and even if I don't know how to fix it, talking it out may at least be a good place to start.

( and more under the cut )

It's after two in the morning and I should be asleep...except I can't sleep because I keep making myself upset. So I'm going to write.

( Cut for stupid whiny emotional bullshit. )

THIS IS A TESTING POST FOR TESTING THINGS.